i look at myself and just cannot fathom why anyone would want to be within a 5 metres radius of me.
i am so undeserving of all the wonderful people around me.
i let people down.
i stand by myself while i see them reach out to me.
i see their pleading expressions. i say nothing.
they search for a soul, for an ounce of compassion;
they find nothing.
me and my poker face.
i am so self-consumed that i hold my own image higher than the need of a friend.
i have too much to lose, too much to risk.
even though i know all too well that if today i returned to dust,
all of it would be rendered worthless.
im too scared for tomorrow to live for today.
i try so hard to build up the walls of my own self-regard.
until it becomes a high, monstrous, imposing fence.
although the me within the walls is small and weak.
i am a PRUNE.
you are not a prune. you are a beautiful, wonderful, caring loving person. you are emily. you are my best friend. you are the person whose done ballet with me, whose danced ballet in the middle of the road at night, whose gone out in dressing up clothes and roasted marshmallows, the only one whose toasted grapes, hair and plastic forks, the one who plays barbie and playmobil and thonks up the most fantastic stories,the one i share all my secrets to. if you ever died, i'd cry and ocean, because id lose someone i cant lose. not now, not ever. it would mean an end to crazy times and fun times and serious times and emotional times and all times. you are not weak, you are stronger than you think, so strong that you know what you do should always have meaning behind it and not simply yield to pressure. i am so sorry that i ever pressured you into something you felt unready for, because if you had done it, it would have been not real. i respect you and love you for your decisiveness.you are the best friend i've ever had and someone who i love as much as the universe, and who treats me like i (me, this silly miriam person) deserves the universe and a bit more. you are your own person, and yet you live for others. perhaps sometimes you should realise you matter too! don;t torture yourself thinking you are cold or something to others because, emily, you deifinitely aren;t to me. you are the bestest, and you deserve to know so.
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ReplyDeleteMiriam this means the universe and a bit more to me. you should know this, every single time i read this i cry. because i know i'm living for something
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