feeling so low about solos.

Today, in choir, i sang. well, yeah......its a choir, that's what you do. Except, today, I sang. Alone.
You see, in my school choir, we have this system where everyone has to sing a solo song at some point in the year, and you have to do it every year. But my level, for some reason, didn't do solos last year, so this year would be our first time ever.

It was really difficult choosing a song, and for a while, i toying with the idea of singing Le Festin (the feast) from Ratatouille - one of the best movies of all time - and then Demi Lovato...Anastatia songs...but nah, wasn't too sure about that. Then, someone suggested When She Loved Me by Sarah McLachlan from Toy Story II, and I listened to it and instantly knew i had to sing it.

So, there are 3 soloists every practice, and they only go on at the end of the practice, when everyone's as irritable and provoked as old women who have lost their dentures down the drain, or barbarian head hunters that haven't eaten in days........

The thing is, before you do the solo, everyone just judges you on the fact that 'you got into choir' and therefore are of some sort of standard. But after you have done the solo, they know what your individual voice sounds like, and can judge you on that, and then start comparing you to other people etc., and saying things like 'how did she get into choir?'

So, I was extremely nervous the whole practice and was dreading the end of the practice as it swiftly drew nearer and near. I was half convinced that I would be 'saved by the bell', which seems to happen to me quite a bit actually. Please let me faint, I thought, please let me faint! Naturally, I didn't.

When, I went up i was literally trembling, and i wasn't even seeing all the people sitting there. I was just thinking, just get it over and done with. What have I got to lose? (A lot, actually) and so, i sang.

All i focused on was the lyric sheet in front of me, and my shaking hands. not for one second did i look out at the people, or at the teachers, or at the floor. my eyes were just glued to the paper.
And somehow, I lived!

I went back to my seat shaking like a leaf while they cheered on the next person, and all i felt was the frenzy of my heart inside my ribcage, and it took me a whole 5 minutes to get back to normal.

I actually thought i didn't do well at all, especially since half the time my voice was either wobbly, inaudible, or sounding like a dying old man.....but i felt so good to have finished it.

Now to face the terrible gossip and snark remarks.....
hip. hip. hooray.
How I love solos.